BETTER


I want to be self-destructive 

I don't want to get better anymore 

Better doesn't help me

Just brings me back into consciousness and who would possibly want to do that 

Better isn't better because I'M NOT FUCKING BETTER

At least I have a bullshit excuse for my shit luck

Good excuse for why nothing works out for me 

I was so much better before treatment, before better 

Sometimes I think the doctors lied 

Maybe that I lied and the doctors believed me

The doctors are why i'm here! 

Why i don't know who I am without these fucking collections of pressed powders 

Just another statistic is an overly medicated America 

You know they said I can't get off of them? Like ever 

I wish I was one of those pacifier sucking depressed kids popping loosely prescribed xanax or lexipro with shots of vodka 

God I wish I was one of those kids 

These meds, they alter who you are, who I am 

The doctors say that I am more myself on them 

What fucking Big Pharma capitalist bullshit 

You are probably sitting in your seat scoffing 

"Oh how could this girl have anything to complain about?" 

Who the hell are you anyways? 

Why are you even read this?  

GO AWAY GO AWAY I BANISH YOU YOU JUDGEMENTAL BITCH

I have a right to say these things 

I wish you could see 

I know you don't think I'm real 

I don't know if I'm real

This pain feels real though 

And I want it to go away 

I don't want to try a fifth new med that makes me tired and apparently not psychotic 

I guess i’m not,no creepy creatures in my rooms anymore 

I hate that you're right


I won't stop taking my meds 

I'm too scared 

Too scared that I don't know who I am off them anymore

And I'm scared she might be much worse than I want to believe she was 

She scared me even when I was her 

I romanticize her because, despite the destruction she's left me to deal with, I miss being the creator instead of the destroyed 

I hate this new version but I hate the old one more, I guess 

She was fun though 

She was definitely very fun 


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